Entire GW Student Body Demands Unionization

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY – After hearing of the recent RA-lead push to unionize, a group of GW students have followed suit and demanded union protection for the entirety of the student body. Leaders of the movement cite dangerous working conditions and unfair labor standards as their two main reasons for joining the RA’s cause.

Ruth Samson, a self described vegan and “nasty woman”, expressed her support for the unionization. “Have you seen the working conditions at this university? It is nearly impossible for me to focus during my gender studies class because the legs on my desk chair are slightly uneven causing it to randomly wobble. I think a union could really clean up some of these concerns.”

Advocates also point to Gelman, or “Gel-Hell”, as an example of dangerous working conditions. The fluorescent lighting, cramped study cubes, and presence of large books transform what could be a student retreat into just a regular library.

In addition to the deteriorating facilities, students are also growing increasingly displeased with university labor standards. “I spent twelve hours writing a paper and all I got was a B-,” said GW sophomore Elijah O’Malley. “That’s not living wage, hell, that’s not even an A! I worked really hard on that paper and I definitely deserve more than I got. I think a union would recognize that.”

Other students have also lodged complaints about being forced to attend classes and complete school work following traumatic events such as democratic elections. “It’s just not fair”, commented a source who asked to remain anonymous.

Leaders of the drive for student unionization are also demanding increased safe spaces, free stress balls and play-doh at the GW bookstore, and a weekly “Puppy Playtime” in Kogan Plaza. University officials have declined to comment.